How to Survive Painful Events in Your Relationship

Betrayal cuts such deep wounds in our hearts and tears at the connective fabric of our relationships. How we treat a loved one in a time of conflict says a lot about our inner turmoil, our character and where we are along our spiritual path.

Years ago in the heat of divorce my ex and I had numerous shouting matches. The less that we felt like we were being heard by one another, the louder our voices became. Our daughter, who is a very wise young adult, finally intervened saying, “Stop mom and dad! This is going nowhere!” She was right. I was fighting to save our marriage, but it was already over. There was nothing more that I could say to turn the boat around. The only healing option was to accept this new reality, forgive and move on.

Photography by Paul Garrett

Photography by Paul Garrett

I’ve learned so much since then on my way to becoming an awakened man. Over the past three years of self study, spiritual growth and self mastery, I have developed the ability to remain calm in the heat of turmoil. This is what Ernest Hemingway referred to as “grace under pressure.” Having the ability to pause when your heart is breaking, and to respond in a manner that is respectful and calm opens the door for healing, understanding and and the possible return of love.

If you’ve been reading my past three blogs, you probably have surmised that I am currently going through a break up with someone who I care deeply about. This moment in time almost feels like a test from the Universe to see if I have truly learned my spiritual lessons. It is natural to feel hurt and angry when you find out that you’ve been misled repeatedly over time. It’s also tempting to fight back when the person who hurt you slings ugly insults and lies upon you. Projecting anger and guilt are common ways to deflect overwhelming loss. Have compassion for people who are suffering and avoid making a difficult situation worse by fighting back.

The Universe will test us to prepare us for the next level in life. Trust the Process. - Photography by Paul Garrett

The Universe will test us to prepare us for the next level in life. Trust the Process. - Photography by Paul Garrett

I have learned along my journey that it is always best to take the high road. Reacting to anger with more anger only feeds the fires of pain. Through awareness, forgiveness and compassion we can reverse the cycle of hurt, learn our lessons and actually grow toward becoming the greatest version of ourselves. It is easy to cast judgement in the heat of battle, when in reality we have all done things in our lives that we are not proud of. So instead it is best to drop the blame game, honestly examine why things went so wrong and uncover the underlying beliefs and fears that caused the betrayal in the first place.

Ginko trees are a symbol of longevity. - Art by Melissa Garrett

Ginko trees are a symbol of longevity. - Art by Melissa Garrett

7 Tips to Help You Heal Your Relationship

  1. Step back from the drama until your emotions have settled.

  2. Practice kindness, empathy and forgiveness.

  3. Look for the lessons. What is this crises trying to teach you? Is this part of a repeating pattern in your relationships?

  4. Take ownership over your actions and apologize if you have also inflicted pain upon your partner.

  5. Listen to understand without judgement or anger.

  6. Love yourself and set new boundaries.

  7. Accept what is and move on if you have to.

Infidelity, withholding the truth and the withdrawal of affection often stem from fears that are held within our subconscious minds. Furthermore, these unconscious beliefs are often planted within us when we were children, so you may have to go back in time to figure them out. I mentioned some of these fears in my last post, but it is important to review them again. Betrayal sometimes rises out of the fear of not being good enough, the fear of abandonment or the fear of not being lovable. In other words, we fear that people will leave us if they ever discover who we really are. As a result we do our best to conceal our flaws.

When we suffer from these unconscious scripts, the idea of allowing ourselves to be fully vulnerable with another person can be overwhelmingly scary and just too much to bear. Underneath our vulnerability often lies feelings of sadness, guilt, hurt and shame. By shining a light upon these emotions, we can replace them with positive beliefs such as, “I am lovable,” “I deserve to be loved,” and “I am good enough.” Once we reprogram our subconscious mind with positive beliefs, we can safely open ourselves up to the beauty of a fully loving relationship.

We all desire love, compassion, kindness, intimacy and passion and yet somehow some of us are guilty of sabotaging our greatest opportunities to love and be loved. Until we examine the root causes of our fears and release them, we are almost sure to repeat this tragic cycle of heartache over and over again.

I am a romantic and I believe in second chances. Just as my ex and I were able to reconcile and become great friends again, I believe that people can fully transform their lives by living in the light of truth and by allowing themselves to love and be loved by a healthy, loving and compassionate partner. Sometimes it takes going through a “dark night of the soul” to break us free from our past behaviors and programming and that’s OK. The Universe knows exactly what we need for such a major transformation to take place.

If you believe in miracles, you can turn the boat around and return to love. Be grateful for the opportunity to release your fears and reinvent yourself. Life is a school and we are here for just a short time to learn, to grow and to be transformed by the amazing power of love!

Wishing you love and healing,


P.S. - Your feedback means a lot to me. Please click the heart below if you found value in this blog. I also appreciate your comments. You can connect with me on Instagram at either of my accounts: @totalsoulfuljourney & @thepaulgarrett. I am always happy to answer your questions. One more thing, we get hurt in our relationships because we care about each other and we fear loss. Love, forgive and cherish one another. Life is too short for bitterness and fighting.

Coming up next on Tuesday’s blog I’ll examine “Why We Play Small and How to Break This Habit.” We all have greatness within us, but sometimes we have to unlearn the habits that are keeping us small in order to unleash our power and fulfill our purpose in life.” See you Tuesday!!

Awaken • Inspire • Empower

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