Why We Repeat The Same Relationship Mistakes
We are creatures of habit and our behavior and desires are highly influenced by the neural-pathways that we have created in our brains during our life. Old patterns of thinking, while subconscious, are effortless compared with creating new and healthier thoughts and behaviors thanks to the way that our brains work. According to F. Diane Barth L.C.S.W. in Psychology Today, “We are comfortable with familiar patterns, even when they cause us stress or pain. We therefore continue to repeat them, even when they do not get us where we want to go.”
Breaking old relationship habits requires us to become conscious of our mistakes and to realize why we keep going back to the type of partners who are not good for us or our spiritual growth. For example, it is not uncommon for a woman to be attracted to alcoholic men if her father was an alcoholic while she was growing up. This is what was familiar or even normal to her and most likely she learned how to nurture these men by watching her mother cater to her dad’s addiction and abusive behavior.
The Betrayal of Disengagement
Unhealthy relationships aren't only about physical or verbal abuse. They also involve neglect. Great relationships are a dynamic partnership where both people contribute to and nurture each other’s needs both emotionally, spiritually and physically. One of the biggest betrayals of relationships, for example, is what Dr. Brene Brown calls the betrayal of disengagement on page 51 of her best selling book, “Daring Greatly…” According to the author: “When we think about betrayal in terms of the marble jar metaphor, most of us think of someone we trust doing something so terrible that it forces us to grab the jar and dump out every single marble. What’s the worst betrayal of trust? He sleeps with my best friends. She lies about where the money went. He/she chooses someone over me. Someone uses my vulnerability against me (an act of emotional treason that causes most of us to slam the entire jar to the ground rather than just dumping out the marbles.) All terrible betrayals, definitely, but there is a particular sort of betrayal that is more insidious and equally corrosive to trust.
In fact, this betrayal usually happens long before the other ones. I’m talking about the betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship. The word betrayal evokes experiences of cheating, lying, breaking a confidence, failing to defend us to someone else who’s gossiping about us, and not choosing us over other people. These behaviors are certainly betrayals, but they’re not the only form of betrayal. If I had to choose the form of betrayal that emerged most frequently from my research and that was the most dangerous in terms of corroding the trust connection, I would would say disengagement.”
There are 3 types of relationships that I want to address:
Twin Flames aka Twin Souls
What are Karmic Relationships?
Karmic relationships are the most common. We meet someone who is familiar to us and we fall in love. We may even feel like we found the perfect partner because they feel so comfortable at first because they are from our town, our past or they may even remind us of a parent. This is normal in all three types of relationships. However, if we are inexperienced at love, have suffered trauma in past relationships, have low self esteem, are especially attracted to financial security (ego loves this one) or we are fearful of being alone, chances are that we will experience karmic relationships over and over again until we wake up from this pattern of attraction and become conscious of why we keep repeating this cycle.
When we suffer from low self esteem, we are at a higher risk of settling for unfulfilling relationships. If the story that we tell ourselves is that this is the best that we can do, then we tend to settle for partners who are beneath us. It’s not only our low self esteem that is at play, it’s also the familiarity that I mentioned before because we think that we know this person. They remind us of the past and sync with the neurological pathways in our brains. We may even feel like we are “home” when we go through the romantic stage with them. As the drug of new love wears off, however, the old patterns of disfunction and even abusive behavior begin to creep back in just as they always do.
These relationships may also have stormy beginnings, where fighting and drama are mistaken for passion. Heightened emotions stem from conditioned fears such as the fear of being alone or the fear of not being able to financially care for ourselves. The fear of vulnerability and of being abandoned also create insecurity and volatility. These are deeply engrained emotions that lead to codependency, which is an unhealthy attachment to another person. Fights break out, harsh words are exchanged, followed by makeup sex. This is not real passion and it is definitely not unconditional love, but it’s easy to make these mistakes in a karmic relationship.
The whole purpose of karmic relationships is to wake us up in a sense and teach us important lessons, such as what not to look for the next time that we seek another partner. According to Kate Rose in an article that she wrote for Elephant Journal, “Karmic relationships burn hot and seem almost intoxicating at times, but the entire point of these types of relationships is to come into our lives, change us—and then leave.
Eight Traits That Make Us Vulnerable to Karmic Relationships:
Low Self Esteem
Absence of good role models of love
Mistaking drama for passion
Settling for low quality relationships
As we learn and grow from our relationship mistakes, we can make better choices in the future. Raising our self esteem, healing our wounds and becoming intentional about who we really want to attract are very important. As we level up, we raise our confidence and our self worth.
Amber Lee Sear’s Story
“The universe is responding to who you BELIEVE you are.
You see I didn’t always believe I deserved or was worthy of a man like @awakenwithjp. I didn’t believe I deserved to be treated with the utmost respect and honor because I didn’t even gift that respect to myself.
So I kept choosing guys that weren’t the best for me. I kept repeating the same cycle over and over again, with subtle variations, hoping my external reality would shift without me having to do any inner work on myself. Because facing my own insecurities and self hatred was far too painful to experience sometimes. Sound familiar?
But, I knew there was a major link between my own insecurities and the men I was choosing. So I did the deep dive into self again, and again and again. I cleared years of emotional baggage energetically and physically.
I started feeling lighter, more confident, and remembered the strength of my radiant heart and limitless potential.”
This is a beautiful illustration of how self work transforms us and makes it possible to attract the perfect person who will love us fully and let us love them fully in return.
In her book, “Manifest Now,“ Idil Amed writes, “Everything changes when you begin to love yourself. You no longer send out energy of desperation or need to be filled from the outside. You become a powerful source within yourself that attracts better. The more that you love who you are the less that you seek validation and approval.”
Life is all about personal growth and expansion. As long we commit to becoming the best versions of , we can learn big lesson from our karmic relationships and prepare ourselves to experience a greater depth of love and satisfaction in the future. This transformation is important in order for us to attract a soulmate or even our twin flame.
In my upcoming blogs I will explore the similarities and the differences between soul mates and twin flames. Thanks so much for taking time to read this blog! Please click on the heart below if you found this information to be useful. Wishing you a wonderful day and a beautiful life.
P.S. - Click on the title of this blog and scroll to the bottom of it if you would like to leave a comment. I would also love to connect with you on Instagram at @thepaulgarrett and at @totalsoulfuljourney.
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